Today is our 17th wedding anniversary.

We had a “date day” yesterday.  My parents kept the boys for the afternoon and evening.  We went to see “Up”…had a great dinner at carnivore heaven (Texas de Brazil) and capped the night with a trip to Ikea.  It was wonderful.

So “Up” had me bawling in the first 10 minutes.  I won’t give it away if you haven’t seen it yet…but it’s just. beautiful.  (Some scary scenes for the young’ins though…you might want to screen it first before you take them.  I won’t be showing this one to my boys just yet.)

anywho…

I wrote this post on our anniversary last year, and I can’t think of anything that I would rather say today.  It holds true today just as much…perhaps even more…then it did when I wrote it one year ago.

Here’s the part that I would like to repeat…

…I was musing about our wedding day…

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I don’t remember thinking too much about the future at that point. I suppose if you had asked me that morning, I would have told you that we would start having children in a few years…I would stay home with them and home school…and we would be active in our church. I thought that Doug would work at Disney as a musician forever. We even joked about when he would “age out” of a theme park gig and become one of the old guys playing in the jazz combo at the Grand Floridian. We pictured how I would take the kids to the lobby to listen to their Daddy play saxophone.

If you had told me that day…

That I would become a pastor’s wife…

That we would struggle for years with infertility…not having our first child until after our 8th wedding anniversary…

That we would have a child who has severe autism…

Well…

I would have laughed hysterically at the first revelation and asked you if you were high.

The second two revelations would have frightened me to death. If those things had been revealed to me on our wedding day, I would have probably decided that our married lives would be characterized by sadness and heartache…and likely not very happy.

Thanks be to God…I would have made an incredibly erroneous assumption.

Yes…we have been through some intense periods of heartache and trial. But God has helped us…and our marriage is stronger, happier and more fun than it has ever been.

God’s Word is Sure and True. The counsel that we have received from it has rescued us and given us hope time and time again.

There were no guarantees of “happy” times when we made our vows 16 (now 17!) years ago. There are no guarantees still…we’re well aware that trials of life are normal…and that we may well face some intense times of testing in the future.

I cannot fathom walking the road ahead of me with anyone else.

Would I do it all again…knowing what I know now…trials and heartache included?

a thousand times yes.

And to Doug…

I love you. love you. love you. Thank you for being the greatest husband on the planet and for putting up with this lunatic chick who is just. freakin. crazy. And for sticking when so many others would have walked. Have I told you today that I love you?

…in writing mode for the past few days.

I’m pretty exhausted mentally from all of the craziness that’s been swirling around me lately.

I know…you know what that’s like too.

I’m glad that I’m not the only one.

Usually, I thrive on a certain level of insanity.  I like to be busy and involved in other people’s lives.  Staying active with others helps me manage the difficulties and stresses that come with having a disabled child.

Sometimes, however, I get overwhelmed.  Usually, it’s when something wonky is happening with Noah…a regression in behaviors or language…that sends me to the crazy place.

Last week, it was Noah’s emergency room visit for his asthma attack that lit the AAAGGGGGHHHHHH button in my brain.

Usually, I’m a pretty strong (ahem…stubborn…bullheaded…strong-willed…just ask my family) person.  But that evening left me weary.  There’s something rather devastating about seeing your child struggle for breath…and, in this instance, realizing that you have yet ANOTHER battle to fight.  (Insert whining here:  Isn’t autism and possible seizure activity enough?  I know that my child has some freaky allergies, but the he can’t breath asthma thing begins to emerge?  OH, COME ON!!!!  Okay.  I’m done.  Whining button off.)

In the midst of it all, I have hope.  I really do.  I know that this too, shall pass and that I will see “the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living”.  (Ps. 27:13, ya’ll).

So I expect that it will be a few more days before my brain and emotions regroup.  Maybe more…maybe less.  We’ll see.  Until then, I’ll probably just resort to posting pictures or something mindless like that.

Here’s one from today…

Ya’ll have a wonderful Easter Sunday…

Tonight I needed a sanity break.

Because I was I-N-S-A-N-E.

Actually, I still am…but my crazy has moved to the category that I call “functional insanity”.  It’s where I usually dwell, and it’s warm and cozy here.

Anywho…

The past few weeks have been highly stressful for me.  Not only have we had a ridiculous amount of things to do, I’ve been plagued with some awful pain from my long-running battle with endometriosis (which seems to be getting exponentially worse with each passing month).  Sprinkle in a dollop of sleep deprivation and you have one CRAZY chick.

So…the marriage thing.

This afternoon, I was at my breaking point.  My brain was shutting down and I was getting weepy and irrational.

Doug stepped in and took over.

He lovingly talked me out of the tree that I was WAY WAY WAY up in, and coaxed me down to solid ground.  He then sent me OUT of the house for a break.  I was to get away and talk to God and not think about anything that had to do with selling our house or planning our budget or Children’s Ministry.

Since he didn’t include autism on the list (you missed one, honey), my journey out included a trip to Barnes and Noble, where I spent some time leafing through this month’s Autism File Magazine.

One article immediately caught my eye.  It was about marriage and autism.  It was well-written and contained solid principles and advice.  The author talked about how some couples focus all of their energies on their child’s autism and completely neglect their marriage.  The end of that is, of course, disastrous.  The article had some solid tips for keeping a marriage strong and then using the marriage as a source of strength and comfort in the midst of the stress of autism.

As I sat there reading and silently “amening” the author’s article, I realized that I am living out the priceless benefits of a solid marriage.  Oh, it’s not perfect…we will always have stuff to work on and through…but we have a marriage that’s strong and sure…and fun to boot.

Living with the stress of autism…and it’s highly stressful, at times…is hard.  Living with autism WITH someone…working as a team and being able to laugh through it all…makes ALL the difference.

Over the past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to meet with a few moms who were in that “shell-shocked” state of a new autism diagnosis.

My first advice?

Guard your marriage.  Guard your marriage.  Guard your marriage.

Autism will threaten to take over.  The race for “recovery”…the stress of everyday life, now altered forever…can send wave after wave of overwhelming trials to a marriage.

Do NOT let it win.  Do NOT let autism have your marriage.

I’ve talked to a lot of autism moms over the past four years…in waiting rooms…at school…in support groups.  Regardless of how “severe” or “high functioning” their child, the most content and peaceful ones are, hands down, the ones in a good marriage.

Back when we first started biomedical treatment with Noah, I spent all of my energy focusing on “recovering” Noah and totally neglected our marriage.  One day, I realized with sudden and startling clarity that the path that I was on would hurt…and may eventually destroy our marriage.  After that stark reality check, the gauntlet came down with great force.  “Recovery” would no longer take center stage in our home.  Autism…while a far-reaching reality in our lives…would now take its’ proper place in the back seat…and never be allowed to drive our car.  Our marriage…and our family…would come first.  Autism would just have to wait its’ turn.

Back to tonight…

I was on the fast train to loony this afternoon.  For the first time in a (thankfully) long time, I found myself teetering on the precipice of the frightening pit of depression.  Doug fought FOR me.  He pointed me to the Great Comforter.  He gave me the practical things (time away and help at home) that would help me get in a better place mentally.  He rescued me.  Our marriage rescued me.  I cannot imagine being without the source of strength and comfort that our marriage provides.

Marriage.  It is absolutely worth fighting for.

Doug still has the chills and a fever.  He’s feeling slightly better tonight, but has a long way to go.

Noah is really tired this afternoon and the low grade fever is back.

Isaac is totally over it.  Woo-hoo for that.

So far…I’m okay.  Woo-hoo for that too.

We sure missed being in church this morning.  We’ve heard that Philip did a great job and that everything went smoothly, so…well…Woo-hoo again.

So I got a little stir-crazy this afternoon and Doug told me to take a break and go wander a store by myself.  Have I got a great husband or what?  The man has the flu…a fever pushing 102 and sends me out to take a sanity break.

A better woman than me would have stayed home and continued to nurse her sick family.  Yep…that ain’t me.  I took off for Barnes and Noble and read magazines for an hour.  I didn’t totally rot my brain…I read some Autism mags and ended up purchasing this month’s Autism File.  I was fascinated with an article about an intriguing therapy that a physician at Columbia University is using to help children with autism gain language.  It’s way cool stuff…I’ve got to look into that some more.

That’s all the news I’ve got for now.  Thank you for all the prayers ya’ll!

So autism won a round yesterday.

It was a cruddy, stinky day.

Well…not completely.  Doug’s message was fantastic yesterday (NEEDED THAT) and we had a quiet family night together, which was nice.  That said, it was just one of those days where autism came in and took over…coloring everything with a yucky shade of…

…ick.

I won’t go into all of the details, but Noah was basically off the chain at church yesterday and had to be removed from his class.  That has never happened before (although it quite possibly should have) and it was pretty stinkin’ discouraging.

Removing Noah was the RIGHT thing to do.  He was being extremely disruptive.  I also believe that he was being willfully disobedient to his teacher.  NOT.  good.

Navigating the waters of what is willful disobedience and what is a product of autistic behaviors that he cannot help is a tricky and, at times, difficult thing.  I have to do a lot of praying and asking for wisdom about all of that.

We have always endeavored to teach Noah obedience…first time obedience…in spite of his disability.  In many ways, this has been much easier with Noah than it has been with Isaac.  (Go figure.)  He is a generally obedient boy, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Sometimes, however…he’s…um…not so much.

Yesterday was one of those days.  After the service, I took him into the family room where I made him sit and wait with me until Doug was in a place where he could stop and intervene.  (Once again, THANK GOD for our family room.)

I had a hard time shaking off feelings of discouragement yesterday.  Sometimes, it’s just. plain. hard.  I struggled with discouragement over wondering how on earth I’m supposed to function in ministry while parenting a child with autism.  How am I to do everything that a growing ministry requires of me and…most importantly…be available to those who need me…if my child is requiring all of my attention and energy?  Yes…there are, of course, times in most ministry wives’ lives when that is true…when the children are young they certainly NEED all of that attention and energy…but my son is 8.  ugggghhhhh.

Okay.  I’m done.

Pity party over.

Today is a new day.  I feel much, much better and I’m full of encouragement and hope.

Why?  Well…several reasons.

First, I went for a run this morning.  There’s nothing like a good run to clear my head and reduce stress.

Second, I know that I’m surrounded at our church by the most loving and incredible people on the face of the earth.  After all of the craziness yesterday, one of my sweet friends (who witnessed all of Noah’s shenanigans and watched him in the hallway after he got the boot from his class) simply put her arm around me and offered words of encouragement and hope.  Thank God for friends who offer understanding and help.  I know that I’m not alone and that my church family is there to help and comfort.

And third, I’ve got the most understanding and encouraging husband on the planet.  He too was bummed about Noah’s behavior, but confidently encouraged me last night that WE will get through this and that God will help us.  God knows that we are in ministry and will make a way.  “It’s God’s problem” is one of our favorite sayings around here lately.

So…there you go.  A stinky day gives way to a better one.

Autism won a round…but HOPE wins the game.